Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Where Have I Been?!?

I was touched to get an email from a reader(who I dont know in "real" life) asking if I'm okay and where Ive been and whats new...well I think months between updates is entirely too long. I do write a lot, just dont always publish them, nothing against you folks but its a great outlet for me and not EVERY thought has to be shared. Promise nothing big or exciting is happening that I wont share ;)

So moving onwards!

Work: I got a new job! It was bittersweet leaving the boys I nannied for after two years but it was time! I was overworked, stressed to the max and underpaid for all that I was doing. I now work for a daycare about 5 minutes from home with kids with and without special needs. I feel like its "where I belong" I have done so much volunteer work with people with disabilities and have always wanted to do more-well heres my chance! The staff is so friendly and welcoming, the dress code INCLUDES yoga pants and I work shorter days which allows me to spend more time with Jaelynn, which is always awesome!

Jaelynn: I think with me working away from her (she stays home with Daddy..for now!) she really does miss me! When I get home her attitude explodes and I know its her way of lashing out, but oy vey!!! I think a lot of it is just HER and well being four but I do get to spend more time and need to make the best of it, before I know it I will be sending her off to school :( Shes getting ready for her big dance recital in a little over a month, and shortly after that girl scout camp for 2nd year in a row, with me!

Me: I'm trying to adjust to a new lighter work load, re-focusing on the weight loss and staying positive about life. I get emotional this time of year,  mostly happy tears but tears nonetheless...its so crazy how fast time flies and how much time I spent in self pity and wishing my life was easier, just once. Lots of outside time now that its nicer and its wedding season, so we stay busy!

So basically lifes been a blur, lots of doctor appointments-shocking, I know, and lots of happiness but also some disappointments. Thats life though, nothing is perfect but I may not handle things the way you think I should but I deal with it and that is all that matters. I face it, I cry to it, I fight it, and in the end I defeat it 

Promise not to be gone so long next time ;)

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Life Update Time

Ive been neglecting this blog. I suppose life happens and I had this great idea to blog my weight loss journey and totally dropped the ball on that.

Weight Loss: I started a weight loss challenge with some friends and the top three "Losers" of percentage of body fat get cash money. We all paid $25 to join and so far so good! I'm down 7lbs since the challenge started and 10punds since Christmas. Most of what is helping me is using the myfitnesspal app and website (If you use it too add me as a friend! AmandaRogers917) Realizing how much you eat and how good/bad it is for you makes you think twice before scarfing down a second serving, plus ALL my friends who use the app can see and help hold me accountable, cheer me on, or make suggestions. Its great to be doing this with others-plus I am a super competitive person so there is a huge part of me that just wants to win, of course theres no losing in this (except the weight and inches!) The competition goes until March and I plan to maintain the same diet/exercise routine long after until I feel okay with the way I feel and look. I dont want to be a size 4 just a healthier weight and once I complete this I am stoked to go shopping for new clothes! Last time I did this was shortly after Jaelynn was born...shes going on 5 years old, the time is now!

Work: As much as I love the freedom I have being a nanny and having my daughter with me at work, I hate working such long hours and being too tired to do much of anything by the time I get home. Making dinner is a huge deal  for me so thankfully Justin has been helping out with that-just wish I was home before 630 to enjoy it while its hot. I work on average 12 hours a day 5 days a week and its just gotten worse...they feel like its my job to raise their kids for them while she goes out to dinner with a girlfriend or grabs a drink at the bar...shes off at 245, why is she not home till 530-600!? The past week or so the dad is in Mexico for work and will be for a total of three weeks-so that makes my day even longer because I start an hour earlier so she can make it to work on time...needless to say I'm ready for a change! This summer I will spend job hunting-hopefully I can make it happen before September!

Jaelynn: This little girl amazes me more and more each day! Shes learning so much, can write her full name, recognize what month and day it is and just keeps surprising me with things she knows. I got a new phone and the default image was "galaxy" and she looks at it at says "oh its the milky way" how the hell does she know such things?! haha I do admit that I work with her on letters,numbers and writing...we do read a lot but damn! Shes a smart cookie and I'm excited to see what the school says when she goes in for Kindergarten Screening...signing her up for school was more emotional for me than I anticipated. It seems like it was just yesterday that I found out I was pregnant and now I'm preparing to send her off to school-so crazy! She is excited and I am too but still so very sad! Part of it is probably due to the fact that I thought we'd have a little brother or sister by now but it is what it is and instead of prepping a nursery we made her an awesome play room...so excited to not have my living room covered in toys and  she has her own space to play,learn and take time for herself :)

Me: Iknow lots of people give me the allusion they care about where I am with the baby making and frankly I stopped sharing so much with people to save myself some heartache and frustrations. Unless you've had a loss, fertility issues or just are a great friend you really dont understand how I feel which is fine, but then so many are judgmental about the choices I make to expand my family, its no ones business and Its my fault for originally putting it out there but lesson learned! Ihave a great group of support and Idont feel the need to share as much beacuse between support groups Ive attended or ladies who have same issues as me I turn to them first-nothing personal against my friends just they can relate and offer advice or tips as needed. I guess if you REALLY wanted to know about it I'm an open book, just ask! Losing weight is easier/harder than I thought. The first week was hell, I was hungry, cranky and tired. Felt so weak and blahh, now three weeks later I feel on tip of the world! Still have a long way to go but baby steps will get me there :)

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Looking Back...

Just earlier today I was doing a deep clean on my room-especially my closet. I have this small bin where I kept notes, yearbooks some photos and well all the good memories of my childhood, to be honest its a larger shoebox and sadly its the only good things I remember. My D.A.R.E certificate, silly awards from elementary school and a flash drive.

I remember getting this flash drive(when they first came out!) for my birthday. I was so excited to see if there was anything good on it, but in reality is a bit rusted and didnt think it would even work. Much to my surprise it did! I found old photos of Justin and I when we first dated (over 8 years ago!) some journals that I had typed and poetry I wrote. I go through the photos smiling, it reminds me of when life was simple and all I ever worried about then was spending time with Justin. The poems are mostly dark and twisty-yes I was seriously depressed for a very long time. I never really talk about it but was on medication, seeking counseling and writing out my feelings. It worked for me back then and once I got pregnant with Jaelynn I stopped taking my meds (they were unsafe for pregnancy) and sort of just dealt with life as is comes ever since.

Overall I do okay with it. Of course I have days, weeks and sometimes months where I'm a hott mess and random things will trigger my past and then I cant always turn it off. Back then the things I was so upset over were and are so very different than now. I was sexually abused and no one ever believed me when I tried to get help, so after that I just kept it all inside.It wasnt until I met Justin that I realized I didnt have to be taken advantage of. I didnt have to be shy and quiet about it, and the most important thing I learned was this was NOT okay and I needed to tell my abuser to stop. The hardest part was it was someone I lived with-so we saw each other daily and often the other members of my house were gone when the abuse happened. I remember laying there feeling so lost, empty and alone. It still kills me to this day that I let it go on as long as I did but I was a child. I didnt know any better and when I tried to tell someone it got swept under the rug as if I was a dustbunny that was nothing to worry about.

Someone stole my innocence, a memory I cant get out of my head. It haunts me still to this day and I dont think that will ever go away. I have gotten the help I needed since then but there are some things in life that will forever be etched in your mind, some good, some bad and some just scary. This is one of those things. I am grateful for those friends back then who let me vent to them and helped me realize I was not alone in this. the ARCh Youth Team was a big outlet for me, a place I could go be safe and share my feelings without being judged. Of course when things got serious with Justin and I (crazy to think we've been together  almost 9 years!) he saved me in more ways than one.

Anyways thought itd be theraputic to put it out there and open up my dark past that so many are strangers too-it was nothing personal just hard for me to talk about even back then writing was my passion; it helped me get through some of my most difficult moments.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

The Year in Review: 2012

The Year in Review: 2012

1. What did you do in 2012 that you'd never done before?  
Gone to a Green Bay Packer Game , seen a fertility specialist, gone a majority of the year with no health insurance, learned to crochet and got to spend more time with Jaelynn (more than any year of her life!)

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
My goals for last year were to look at things with a positive outlook-definitely room for improvement but new goals being set for next year
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I feel like SOmany of my friends had babies this year-it would quite possibly take a year to list them all,but congrats to all the new mommies/daddies!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully no!
5. What states/countries did you visit?
None, we were homebodies
6. What would you like to have in 2013 that you lacked in 2012?
Increased patience and a stronger faith
7. What date from 2012 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
April 26th-One year cancer free :)
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Remaining cancer free, spending more time with Jaelynn
9. What was your biggest regret of the year?
Not making time for the things and people I should.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I feel like we've all been sick alot but nothing too serious. Jaelynn's had the worst of it all
11. What was the best thing you bought?
New digital camera
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Justin for putting up with me and being a wonderful husband!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
They know who they are...
14. Where did most of your money go?
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
 Being pregnant (even though never worked out how we planned)  Getting tickets to the Packer Game
16. What song will always remind you of 2012?
There's Always Time for Life by Randi Driscoll 

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? Meh, should be happier but in a funk
ii. thinner or fatter? thinner
iii. richer or poorer? Richer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Spending time with those I love, stressing less and living more
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Worrying, working.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With friends and family, various celebrations with different folks
22. Did you fall in love in 2012?
No one new...just loving my life as a mommy and wife more and more
23. How many one-night stands?
It doesn’t count as a one night stand when you are married!
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Sister Wives, Teen Mom, 2 broke girls, Guliana and Bill, Glee...I could go on and on
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No real hate here… just general annoyance
26. What was the best book you read?
I loved Effortless and Thoughtless by SC Stephens
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Pandora. I had never used it before, and LOVE to have it on hand when I am home!
28. What did you want and get?
Packer Tickets, new bras-may seem little but this is huge for me( no pun intended)
29. What was your favorite film of this year?
Odd Life of Timothy Green
30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned 24, dinner with Friends at Carrabas
31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Having some people here who are not with us any more. other than having another baby here with us
32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2012?
Practical and comfy-lots of tshirts and sweats! ha
33. What kept you sane?
Justin, my TTC Ladies and great friends
34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Aaron Rodgers, Patrick Dempsey
35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Obama/Romney Election-various reasons!
36. Who did you miss?

37. Who was the best new person you met?
There has been so many, hard to pick "thebest"
38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2012:
Love is unconditional. Things will not be perfect. People will not be perfect. But, we will love deeply and passionately and completely, just the same.
39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
Nobody's gonna slow me down
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving
Ain't nothing gonna break my stride
I'm running and I won't touch ground
Oh no, I've got to keep on moving

Now you got that stuck in your head,,haha I know I do!

Monday, December 17, 2012

2012, You Taught Me Well

With there only being two weeks left in the year I thought itd be a nice recap to make a list of things I learned from this year. It was indeed a better year than 2011 but still more than I would have liked to deal with. I guess at the end of the day I have my health, people who love me and a reminder that life is short and unpredictable

Some more things I learned(in no particular order)
  • Not to rush things that aren't fully ready yet. Just chill and relax and everything will fall into place by itself-someway somehow! This seems to be the mantra of my year. Whenever something bad would happen it was almost always followed by something great that made the bad part seem so miniscule
  • No matter how close to a person you are, they will show their true colors eventually. I dont fight often with my good friends, and to be honest I have one friend who I've known half my life and never had a big fight with till this year. It was a petty thing over senseless drama but I learned alot about my friends and myself during this crazy year.
  • The ones you love can be taken from you. Never forget to tell someone you love them while you have the chance. I think this one stands out alot right now, more than usual. Partially because of the Newtown shooting. Thankfully no one I was close to this year passed away (think we had an over abundance last year)but just imagining dropping your child off at school to learn, play and explore then not having them return-ahh there are no words that can fully describe how that would feel. Life is short, some way shorter than others so over use the words I love you and stay in touch with all those you care about. 
  • Don't be afraid of what people think. Like what you like, wear what you want to wear, and be who you want to be  This reminds me of the Dr. Suess quote "Those who matter dont mind and those who mind dont matter" I spent a majority of my life being me but find myself acting slightly different around  certain people. This year more than ever I just said F*!# it! Last year was a real eye opener and trying to please everyone is nearly impossible-therefore I quit trying! I worry bout myself, my daughter and husband. Past that it doesnt really matter. Of course I do my best to be the best I can to my friends and other family but in the end thats all that matters. 
  • To never give up, stay strong and things will always get better I struggle with this one often, but I did learn that things cant and wont be bad forever. So many people have it way worse off and they still find the strength and will to get up each day and make the best of it, so why cant I!? If it weren't for my strength Id be dead-no joke. After the past couple of years of trials and tribulations somehow I made it through and am living proof things can get better.

  • Maturity is not based on age but on how you deal with your problems Nothing more needs to be said about this one:)
  • Apologizing doesn't mean that you are wrong it just shows that you value your relationship more than your ego  I had to learn this the hard way but as long as I got something positive out of it, thats all that matters, right?!

There you have it, well some of it! I'm sure if I was well-rested this list would be a lot longer. Thanks for sharing this crazy ride with me!

Thursday, December 6, 2012


Whenever I hear that word I instantly start singing the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson but that song has some great lyrics! Despite it being (what I assume is a bad breakup?) I can relate to it in different ways...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 
 What doesn't kill you makes you fighter  

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
 Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted 
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me 

and then it ends with 

I'm not alone 

That last line of the song resonates in my mind over and over . This song helps me cope with a few things, but mostly with my "infertility" I hate saying that word because people automatically assume I cant possibly have issues that could label me as an infertile because I do have a child but those people would be wrong. There are different variations of being infertile and I along with 10% of the people of the United States face this each and every day. Sure it may not a big deal to those who dont want kids, or who arent actively trying to conceive but its one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life thus far.

Aside from not having the most healthy diet I could, I have done everything in my power to get checked, have labs drawn, supplement with vitamins and even cut out caffeine and for the most part alcohol (ill explain that in a bit!) yet the odds are still against me.

About two months  weeks ago I found out I was pregnant-again. I went to urgent care for a crazy bad sinus infection and told them my story and they insisted on drawing blood before treating my symptoms to be sure I was or was not indeed pregnant. (the meds they wanted to give me I wouldnt be able to take if I was pregnant)When they told me the news I was shocked, thrilled, anxious and ready to finally make Jaelynn a big sister. Just 48 hours AFTER this had all happened I called my RE(fertility doctor) for some cramping, which is normal in pregnancy, but with my history of losses I dont mess around. He instructed me to go to ER and get examined and lo and behold mys beta number had dropped significantly which only means it was not a viable pregnancy. I have been actively TTC for 22 months- thats a long time to still be longing for another baby and getting so close then having it all fail, again!

This is all being rehashed because I thought I was over and done with this...but my body didnt do what its supposed to so now I have to have another D&C to get all the tissue out...a bit TMI but its the truth and I dont wanna filter! yay me...? I just wish I could never have this happen again and just maybe bring home a baby in the near future...if I dont thats okay too I just really want a sign either way that yes it will happen or no move on.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

Dear Teenage Self

I decided to write my self a letter-started as a joke between a few friends but the more I thought about it the cooler I thought it would be to see what I would tell myself...so here it goes!

Dear Teenage year old me;

Hello there, teenage me! I expect that part way through this letter you would’ve crumpled this up, declaring it utter rubbish and hurling it in the nearest (recycling) bin. That part hasn’t changed- being “green”- but so many other things have.  Trivial matters aside, there are so many other things to tell you! I am writing this from 10 years later, but there have been a lot of changes.
But, apart from things to tell, I also have a question for you- how can you see so much beauty in the world around you, and never in yourself? How can you be your own worst enemy? You can see beauty in so much, but you also need to see it in you. Everyone has something to offer the world, and try to see that you do too- even though this remains a struggle for you, try and know it in your heart of hearts to be true.

Things to DO-
- Remember everything happens for a reason. You will feel lost and alone but know it is temporary. You will have a great support system when you hit hard times-and believe me you will have hard times! Just keep fighting and have hope. Without hope for a brighter future you may as well quit now.

- Others opinions do not matter, but dreams do. Why not follow all of them? Write as much as you do now forever-it will be a great outlet for anger, frustrations, joy and love. Cherish those silly photos-it will bring a smile to your face on days when you need it the most.

-Life will never be how you pictured it to be. Sure some things will be just as planned but not in the timely manner you expected it to be! Embrace everything when it happens...especially pregnancy and  motherhood! It may be your only shot at it.

-Make time for your friends and family you care about. Life is short and it can all change in a blink of an eye. Always tell everyone how much you love and appreciate them.

Now, some DONT'S
-Don’t leave anything to the last minute! You are getting much better at this!! But in your future career, you literally can’t.

 -Don’t believe that just because some boy harassed you, offended you and creeped the heck out of you, doesn’t mean that someone else far better won’t come along, and believe me he has already come along (hint, hint- you know him already!!).

-Don’t believe those who insult you, and poke at your appearance, and if they have a problem with you, be sad for them that they cannot see the beauty in those around you as you do.

-Don't believe that you are undeserving of every praise that is given to you- someone said something wonderful to you out of the kindness of their heart- it would just be rude to throw it back in their face.
Perhaps, try to view yourself as you view others, and stop being your own harshest critic.
You will find your niche, it may just be harder than you expected, and only after many, many changes you will find it to be in the simplest and most natural of places- the very start.

Lastly, remember critics are often people trying to build themselves up off the back of the failure of others, and why should anyone listen to the opinion of someone like that? Be kind to everyone, and try to be kind to yourself foremost.

May the force be with you, and know that everything will be okay in the end; if its not okay than its not the end!. I don’t know that for sure, as I haven’t gotten to the end yet, but starting to believe it is the first step to making it come true.

-Amanda (age24)