Thursday, December 6, 2012


Whenever I hear that word I instantly start singing the song "Stronger" by Kelly Clarkson but that song has some great lyrics! Despite it being (what I assume is a bad breakup?) I can relate to it in different ways...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
Stand a little taller 
 Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone 
 What doesn't kill you makes you fighter  

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
 Thanks to you I'm not the broken-hearted 
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me 

and then it ends with 

I'm not alone 

That last line of the song resonates in my mind over and over . This song helps me cope with a few things, but mostly with my "infertility" I hate saying that word because people automatically assume I cant possibly have issues that could label me as an infertile because I do have a child but those people would be wrong. There are different variations of being infertile and I along with 10% of the people of the United States face this each and every day. Sure it may not a big deal to those who dont want kids, or who arent actively trying to conceive but its one of the hardest things I've dealt with in my life thus far.

Aside from not having the most healthy diet I could, I have done everything in my power to get checked, have labs drawn, supplement with vitamins and even cut out caffeine and for the most part alcohol (ill explain that in a bit!) yet the odds are still against me.

About two months  weeks ago I found out I was pregnant-again. I went to urgent care for a crazy bad sinus infection and told them my story and they insisted on drawing blood before treating my symptoms to be sure I was or was not indeed pregnant. (the meds they wanted to give me I wouldnt be able to take if I was pregnant)When they told me the news I was shocked, thrilled, anxious and ready to finally make Jaelynn a big sister. Just 48 hours AFTER this had all happened I called my RE(fertility doctor) for some cramping, which is normal in pregnancy, but with my history of losses I dont mess around. He instructed me to go to ER and get examined and lo and behold mys beta number had dropped significantly which only means it was not a viable pregnancy. I have been actively TTC for 22 months- thats a long time to still be longing for another baby and getting so close then having it all fail, again!

This is all being rehashed because I thought I was over and done with this...but my body didnt do what its supposed to so now I have to have another D&C to get all the tissue out...a bit TMI but its the truth and I dont wanna filter! yay me...? I just wish I could never have this happen again and just maybe bring home a baby in the near future...if I dont thats okay too I just really want a sign either way that yes it will happen or no move on.

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