Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Looking Back...

Just earlier today I was doing a deep clean on my room-especially my closet. I have this small bin where I kept notes, yearbooks some photos and well all the good memories of my childhood, to be honest its a larger shoebox and sadly its the only good things I remember. My D.A.R.E certificate, silly awards from elementary school and a flash drive.

I remember getting this flash drive(when they first came out!) for my birthday. I was so excited to see if there was anything good on it, but in reality is a bit rusted and didnt think it would even work. Much to my surprise it did! I found old photos of Justin and I when we first dated (over 8 years ago!) some journals that I had typed and poetry I wrote. I go through the photos smiling, it reminds me of when life was simple and all I ever worried about then was spending time with Justin. The poems are mostly dark and twisty-yes I was seriously depressed for a very long time. I never really talk about it but was on medication, seeking counseling and writing out my feelings. It worked for me back then and once I got pregnant with Jaelynn I stopped taking my meds (they were unsafe for pregnancy) and sort of just dealt with life as is comes ever since.

Overall I do okay with it. Of course I have days, weeks and sometimes months where I'm a hott mess and random things will trigger my past and then I cant always turn it off. Back then the things I was so upset over were and are so very different than now. I was sexually abused and no one ever believed me when I tried to get help, so after that I just kept it all inside.It wasnt until I met Justin that I realized I didnt have to be taken advantage of. I didnt have to be shy and quiet about it, and the most important thing I learned was this was NOT okay and I needed to tell my abuser to stop. The hardest part was it was someone I lived with-so we saw each other daily and often the other members of my house were gone when the abuse happened. I remember laying there feeling so lost, empty and alone. It still kills me to this day that I let it go on as long as I did but I was a child. I didnt know any better and when I tried to tell someone it got swept under the rug as if I was a dustbunny that was nothing to worry about.

Someone stole my innocence, a memory I cant get out of my head. It haunts me still to this day and I dont think that will ever go away. I have gotten the help I needed since then but there are some things in life that will forever be etched in your mind, some good, some bad and some just scary. This is one of those things. I am grateful for those friends back then who let me vent to them and helped me realize I was not alone in this. the ARCh Youth Team was a big outlet for me, a place I could go be safe and share my feelings without being judged. Of course when things got serious with Justin and I (crazy to think we've been together  almost 9 years!) he saved me in more ways than one.

Anyways thought itd be theraputic to put it out there and open up my dark past that so many are strangers too-it was nothing personal just hard for me to talk about even back then writing was my passion; it helped me get through some of my most difficult moments.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda, Thank you for sharing your dark past :) And, I will share with you that I too, was abused when I was a child. My uncle abused me on many occasions. . . I was too afraid to say anything. I feel dumb about that now that I am an adult. But I think deep down inside I was more afraid people would say it was my fault if I admitted to anyone what was happening. So I lived in secret for years, and to this day only about 3 people know that I was molested as a child. I don't really share it with many people, but I felt I should after reading your post :). You are not alone, Girl and I understand a lot of what you feel. I have a lot of old and dark poetry too!! I so freaking wish we could hang out in real life together *sigh*. Any-who