Sunday, October 7, 2012

Been So Long...!

Sorry I've been neglecting to the blog got in the way and I've had a lot going on! Doctors galore, dance class, work and well trying to stay a float!

I thought to myself many a time that I need to write my feelings out but there were a few days where I did nothing by cry and worry which does nothing other than completely exhaust me and stress me out more. I was afraid if I wrote out my exact feelings I'd have friends calling the local mental hospital to have me committed, and to be honest if I were them Id feel the same way!

Let me back track a bit-for those who dont follow me on facebook (or do and somehow missed it) I went in a month or so ago for labs to check to be sure things were all going well. My thyroid level was perfect which is good especially for the baby making in terms of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Before I did those tests I called my oncologist to see if he could put his orders into the lab too so I could get it all done at once. A few days go by and I get a call from Oncologist to come in ASAP...needless to say I freak the fuck out! Who wouldnt?! My complete blood count (CBC) is "abnormal" so I had a PET scan to see where the cancer was...they were convinced thats what it was just needed to find out where. Luckily the scan was clear and a giant weight was lifted but the doctors werent happy...what was causing all if this?! Few more blood draws, scans and appointments and still no definite answers. All outcomes are less than thrilling....

**I wrote ALL of the above like a month ago, now to carry on but of course NOT where I left off haha**

Biopsy ended up NOT needed, thank goodness! Levels seem to be coming down so I will go in for more labs in a week or so (from now) to be sure its still coming down...whew, dodged a bullet there! So as usual they dont know what caused it or helped it...oh well!

With that being said we are back to trying for baby #2...we took a mini break and I actually sold pretty much all things baby that i bought for future "maybe baby" and it wasnt an easy choice but all the things went to those who will actually use it NOW and not 10 years from now ha ha. It was refreshing, gave me a weight off my shoulders and let me relax more which cant hurt a thing! Even my doctor things that stress is the biggest factor for so many so just living life in the now and enjoying every moment of it.

Today I went to church. Yes, I said church. Those who know me know this is a big deal! Im not by any means an atheist but I guess one would describe me as agnostic. Im open to the idea of a God and willing to learn more and explore to some degree but I just have SO many questions that remain unanswered. Clearly I cannot get those answers  without asking questions so giving church a second chance. Literally the only time I go to any form of church is when someone in my family dies, gets married or baptized...its just how it is for me. As I drove upto the church (which is non-denominational) I felt my chest pounding, the anxiety was kicking in full force, so bad that I sat in the parking lot for a good ten minutes before I could open the door and walk into the building. Totally unnecessary because nobody knew I was a newbie, or if they did they didnt care.  The good news was the building did not go up in flames when I walked in . Obviously I dont think tht would have happened but no joke the last time I was in a church one of light fixtures fell and hit me...then another time I picked up a bible and got like 3 paper cuts-dont ask me how! Anyways it wasnt bad, I felt like the message was being spoken directly towards me and without getting into to it too much just know I plan to go back weekly. Cant hurt!

Other than that not much else new here. We did our family photos today at a local park with all the pretty fall leaves and colors so I'm anxiously awaiting for those...granted it may be a week or so but I am pretty excited!

Thanks for all the love, support, advice and dealing with my crazy self. I will finally post this! yaya!

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