I wanted to write all my feelings. I have so much emotion, so much fear, anxiety, hope and excitement that I don't know where to start. Nothing has changed. Not for good or for bad so why am I not relieved, or content?! I wish I freaking knew!!!
Today (well technically yesterday seeing as how its almost 1230am) was Papa's birthday. We never really did much to celebrate it when he was here, at least not the last five years he was with us and today was not much different. We HAD plans to finally visit the grave site, eat Reuben Sandwiches and drink Pepsi while we finally get our closure...but of course life happened and between crappy weather and lack of funds for gas we we rent able to go. Part of me thinks it happened this way for a reason-not sure what it is but somethings up! Maybe he didn't want us to come because we still aren't strong enough for it? It has been a year and Justin and I have yet to go out there for a few different reasons but this is the one time we both were ready and almost excited for it. Rather than going out there Jaelynn and I made a cake. Didn't do anything special with it but we acknowledged that it was Papa's birthday cake and oddly enough that seemed to be just fine. Strange how things work out.
As far as everything else goes theres nothing new to report. No news is good news, right!? No doctors poking and prodding, no crazy medications to get pregnant, and overall no major life events that have me insanely stressed. When I talk to others about my day to day life they are surprised with how calm I am these days. Sure life is never ideal or perfect but I'm trying to stay positive about everything. Money's a bit tight, we have no health insurance and my daughter is acting like a completely different kid but I have yet to have a break down over any of this. Its so strange! Few months back or really ANYTIME in the past Id be hyperventilating in the bathroom while trying to appear calm and okay but its just not worth it to me to stress over the petty things. Okay, these aren't"petty" but they could be a lot worse! We are all healthy and alive and today that is enough for me. Somebody is always worse off and I'm making that my new life mantra.
Whenever I go to complain about this or that I find myself stopping and thinking...is this REALLY a problem or a minor inconvenience? More often than not is just an annoyance that too will pass with time. I have NO idea why its taken me this long to appreciate everything, good or bad, but better late than never! I have a lot to be thankful for and its about damn time I show it.
This week is a busy one for us...work, parties, and then back to the good ole days of Teen Time! When I was in school I volunteered with an organization ARCh (Association for the Rights of Citizens with handicaps) and my most favorite thing about all my 5 years there was the monthly get togethers with teens with and without disabilities :) This time around I'm the adult chaperone, still seems surreal but I'm stoked to be helping out! This month is a camp themed get together where we will sing songs by a fire and roast marshmallows. My three favorite things! Next month is cookie baking (again ALL over that one!) and then the ever so famous Bowl A Thon! Seriously this is what I was born to do :)
Till next time folks....