Sunday, August 26, 2012

I Swear I'm not ALL Dark and Twisty

I was talking with a friend the other day about how if someone outta the blue found and read my blog posts they would think I'm one depressed individual who should probably invest in some therapy, rather than fertility treatments and get some serious help. Truth is this IS my therapy and its a hell of a lot cheaper. Usually when I write I'm feeling dark, sad or lonely so instead of being self destructive taking it out on those I care about or just simply shutting down I write and I feel better. I guess all it takes is saying how I feel even if no one else would see it helps me. I know for a fact from other readers sharing my stories has helped them cope with their own drama or stress in their life and that folks is why I share  it with the world wide web. Dont like it? Dont read it!!

I do have more good days than bad but when I have a not so great day it hits me harder. Maybe its the weather, the clomid or just my brain. No matter the reason I cant control it and in the past (when I was a teen) I did try medicating myself to help but it did nothing for me other than make me feel numb which to me was worse off than when I started them. I was on meds until I was pregnant with Jaelynn and decided to just go off cold turkey and I was fine..well as fine as one can be while dealing with my life. Sure its been a roller coaster but there is always somebody worse off.

I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a crazy loon, who is always mad, sad or feeling lost. I swear the good overrides the bad :) I'm so thankful for all those that have stuck it through with me, they know who they are! Some have been there for years and years and some just recently through the TTC community. Its nice talking to those who get where I'm coming from and know just what to say to make me smile, laugh or forget about the days troubles.

Now for a little update: Not much new to report on! Just had my thryroid levels rechecked to be sure I'm on right dosage of medication and still working on Baby #2. No I new plans in store, and if this cycle didnt work out I still have four more months I can do the clomid. Past clomid Ive decided, as of now, I wont take any further steps with medications or doctors to make a baby. Ive seen how its affected relationships, bank accounts and still have people with an empty cradle. I am beyond blessed to have a  healthy child so if thats all that I'm meant to have I will have to learn to accept it.

Tomorrow I go back to my full time job with the boys! I'm a bit excited to start a new school year with more of a preschool feel since all the kids are older and can understand more. So yay  new school year also means my fall TV shows will be back!

Till next time...

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