Sunday, July 15, 2012

Taking a Step Back...

First off, I want to thank you, all of you for reading and supporting me and my journey in this chaotic life. Ive met some amazing people, learned a lot about myself and others, and gained a whole new outlook on life as a whole.

With all that being said, I realize I have no filter-some love it, some hate it and apparently a few are uncomfortable with it. I dont really know what to say. I dont want to alienate those I love and care about but at the same time this is a great outlet for me. I often refer to this as therapy: easy on my soul and checkbook. I obviously broadcast it on the internet  and know it could be for the whole world to see but never did I think that those closest to me would worry about my well-being for being so baby crazed or stressed about whatever life is throwing at me for the week.

I need to take a step back and really think about whats worth having in my life. Am I okay with making my friends feel awkward to talk to me about things that doesnt involve my fertility treatments or doctor appointments? I realize I was letting it consume me, and still to some degree do. I was scared. Afraid that I would never get the chance to be a mommy again. Cancer changed so much for me and I was hoping and praying that it wouldnt affect my future-and for the longest time I was convinced it did.

My new doctor is amazing. Did a bunch of tests and figured out why I kept miscarrying. Something simple to fix and couldnt be more excited, but now Ive heard from several people that I'm becoming too much for them and I hesitate to share my good news. Whats worse though, making others uncomfortable and annoyed or just keeping it all bottled up and internally rotting...okay thats a bit dramatic but you get the idea. I just never thought to think how it made others feel. I am a selfish person at times, clearly.

I think for a little while at least, I am going to keep my TTC (trying to conceive) news on a halt. Theres nothing new to report and shouldnt be anymore news until I have another chance at pregnancy and when that time should arrive I will let you all know :)

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