Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Life's a Beach

Sometimes all it takes to snap out of a funk is a day at the beach....really, it helped! I've clearly been a hot mess pretty much since September from wedding chaos, father in law passing away, and multiple miscarriages. Add to that daily life and stress of minor things like raising a child, paying medical bills and just trying to take things as they come and you get me-a big ole messy mess!

I get so low sometimes that I just want to sit and cry  yet nothing comes out. I try so damn hard to just have my temper tantrums in private but usually I end up lashing out on Justin or Jaelynn and they're rarely the reason for my anger and sadness.Of course I still love them and they do annoy me time to time but these two people have been there the most for me when everyone else walked out or just didn't have time to listen or care.

I remember even when Jaelynn was weeks old and Justin was at work or sleeping because he had worked all night I would sit and nurse her while pouring my heart out. She couldnt respond, but knowing that she was there, and couldnt judge me made it all that much easier to tell her my deepest feelings. I still talk to her a lot about so many things but shes 3, she doesn't need to be my therapist and now understands so much which can be good and bad, so when life leaves me pondering things and I cant discuss with Jaelynn I go to Justin-hes not only my husband, but one of my best friends for nearly 8 years, the father of my children and the one I will grow old and cherish forever. I see us being that crazy old couple sitting on our porch swing drinking tea and remembering "the good ole days" and being able to look back at our lives and smile.

Theres been SO many ups and downs and I know I'm not alone, I have some of the best support system around but yet when I need it and  I feel I have no one. Of course a lot of people are just a phone call away, and I try to call specific people when I need to vent but naturally they all have jobs, lives and well are probably sick of me talking myself in circles over every big decision, hell, even I'm annoyed with me lately.

I'm trying to lay low while on the clomid- I hear it has some crazy side affects and so far I have just about every one of them. Dizziness, nausea,fatigue, mood swings and cant forget the headaches. Its not fun but if it will give me what I want in the end its worth it-I feel like its practice for being pregnant again because a lot of the sypmtoms are so close to pregnancy. I hope Justin has enough patience to put up with my hormonal self...we were talking about it, figure at most I'll be on Clomid for 6 months (or less if I get pregnant)Then I start the progesterone (another supplement to help me stay pregnant) then of course being pregnant for 40 weeks, and  postpartum Amanda was so much fun last time...yikes! Even I'm a bit scared! Luckily I'm good at keeping to myself-yes, me the "over sharer" is great at staying under cover in times of need, like this. Its nothing personal just rather not snap on those I love and care about so until I'm done with the clomid I will lay low just to be safe.

As ready as I am to be pregnant again, I'm so nervous! I feel like this could really work which is great, thats the whole point, but will it all go well? Will the feeling of being pregnant just put me in a panic on whether or not Ill stay pregnant? Will it remind me of being sick? When I had cancer, I felt so lethargic, nauseated and down right blah...much like my pregnancy with  Jaelynn. I hated it when I was pregnant first time, and who likes having cancer, but will the pregnancy be embraced with open arms because nausea is a GREAT sign for healthy baby or will it just remind me of the lowest time of my life? Who knows and no need to over think it, especially before I'm even pregnant. 

Going out with the ladies Thursday so I hope I'm able to control my self, maybe not cry if I rip my napkin or see a pregnant woman. There is something clearly crazy going on with my emotions but I will keep on trucking and fingers crossed by Christmas we will be able to announce Baby Rogers #2...only time will tell :)

No comments:

Post a Comment