Anger

 Good day gone bad...I didnt broadcast this before hand but now that its shattered again, and writing helps me cope here we go again.

Took a pregnancy test, to my surprise it was positive-just faint, but still a positive test. I called my doctor right away and they were able to get me in for labs and exam the next morning (today) which I was elated! I got there, had to take another urine test and it was POSITIVE again so I was really pumped, ready to take this journey to the next level and have another baby. They did labs and called me a few hours later with results. My progesterone (which is normally low and the cause for my miscarriages) was actually normal so that was great news, but my HCG (pregnancy hormone) was negative...what the hell1? How does this happen?! Before my labs they estimated my due date to be February 27th, meaning I was one day shy of 6 weeks. I knew i was pregnant. Last week while at camp I was too busy to test and just blew it off. I had the nausea, sore breasts, and massive fatigue. I just simply didn't have time or energy once I was home from camp. I kick my self so hard now. If I would have tested sooner, I could have had a trigger shot, or some form of boost to help keep this pregnancy viable. At least I know all my options for next time, just sick of trying and grateful I can get pregnant but whats the point if I know its not going to last...double edge sword I tell ya!

I try; I really, really do. I don’t want to be the bitter girl that isn’t getting pregnant. I don’t want to fit into that stereotype. I want to be happy for every woman I see with a bulging torso, I want to smile and congratulate them when someone announces they’re pregnant. For all I know they could have struggled too, they could have spent thousands of dollars at the doctor, on medications and testing to figure it out.
Yet I’m angry. Really, really angry. It’s an underlying anger that’s always kind of there, and every once in awhile, it’s just too much for that ugly monster residing inside of me.

Sometimes it’s the stupid comments, but really they usually just get a little growl from the monster. More often, it’s because of the lady at Wal-Mart that is screaming at her four + unkept looking kids that are running around like rabid monkeys, or the pregnant teenager that looks like she’s maybe 15 and complaining how "fat" she is and cant wait to "get this thing outta her"

Sometimes it’s the tale of yet another person getting pregnant who was on birth control, or who wasn’t trying at all. Sometimes it’s because of the injustice in a world where people like Snooki, or crack heads can have children but I can’t. Sometimes it’s as simple as yet another friend or relative announcing their pregnancy. Yes, I’m happy for them, but do you have any idea how many friends and family can get pregnant within a 1 1/2 year time period? It’s a lot.
And sometimes, it isn’t anger at all; it’s heart break.