Its only a day away...really like 12 hours from now I will be at the fertility specialist trying to explain my story, what I've been doing and what I want to come out with. Seems simple but when I sat down to write down how many cycles we've been trying,my OPKs, my charts, my losses, ectopic, chemical, miscarriages, how far along I was, what they did afterwards to help me heal it was overwhelming and I feel a weight pulling me down. Tight chest, rapid breathing and intense headaches...is this healthy!? Not one bit...
I know I'm lucky, very lucky! I have a beautiful child who I adore, I beat cancer, got to marry my best friend and have amazing friends to help keep me trucking but why do I still tear up over every heartache Ive had? I should be walking around with my head held high...proud of where I am and how I got here, yet all I do is sulk and cry when I sit and think about it.
Not sure what to do with all of this emotion, fear and irrationality. At this point I dont care what the outcome is as long as I'm healthy and can be there for my own family. Of course another child would be spectacular, but really I am blessed to have one and as long as I have Jaelynn my life is great. I have an amazing support group of women who get it, who are in my shoes (or worse) and truly care. I am forever grateful for them and their knowledge, guidance, hopes and prayers.
I go back and forth on this whole expanding my family thing. I know I havent exhausted all my options but do I want to spend all the time, money and stress on this? Not sure...the doctor will calm my fears and make things a bit more clear. In the meantime thank you all for the support and love. Id be lost without each and every one of you.
Also made my dentist appointment for tomorrow, my wisdom tooth started to come in and was causing pain here and there and now its unbearable...so thankful for him as well! Random fact but my dentist, Morgan Hamm was an Olympic gymnast from Waukesha haha
On a lighter note Justin starts first shift tomorrow...still 12 hours long but it will be a lot like what I work now so we will be able to eat dinner, sleep, and see each other every single night! This is HUGE for us, first time in nearly 8 years :) So this will be nice!