Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I'm a Mess, I'm a Mess, I'm a big ole Messy Mess!

So obviously I'm an emotional person and where my heart on my sleeve but its outta control lately. Every little thing makes me choke up and its quite annoying! Some of the times I think its justified, but usually its not.

I love that Jaelynn is growing up and becoming an independent little lady but at the same time it breaks my heart! This morning she made her own breakfast (cereal with milk) ate it, watched some cartoons and then woke me up. I came downstairs to her half eaten bowl of cereal and realized she only woke me up to tell me shes okay and a big girl. It was a bittersweet moment but she surely is turning into a little person who can do so much for herself :) Naturally I cried...

My last day with the family I nanny for (during school year) ended and I sobbed, I am seeing them at least once every few weeks to babysit but I felt as if I was leaving my own children, for strange...

The other day my  I lost it in the store because my damn flip flop was seriously $2 and I was at Target where I could just get another pair but instead I cried like a temper-tantrum two year old.

What the fun is wrong with me?! Is it whacked out hormones or just life finally sinking in? This week hasn't been the best for me for a few different reasons but that's no excuse to go all Debby downer. I've been trying my hardest to hide it or just forget the fact that I'm one to express how I feel...I'm trying so damn hard to be more positive, hopeful and just happy but I can only do so much before I lose it and start back at square one.

I know what some of you are thinking" must be pregnant!" I wish that was the case! I did take a couple tests to be sure but even if I am (which I'm positive I'm not) it'd be too early to tell, do people get this moody mid month for no apparent reason? Well I guess partially I'm jealous, not angry that yet 3 more friends are pregnant...and not because they aren't worthy or great moms but because they were the ladies I'd talk to about TTC (trying to conceive) so now I literally am the only one who's still trying that isn't pregnant, over a year later. My due date would have been next week...and maybe subconsciously (or remembering this!) I'm bitter, angry, sad, and lost...I dint wanna dwell but its hard not to! Whenever I see a pregnant woman, a newborn baby or especially hear someone complain about their sleepless nights, nausea or cankles I want to just scream! Id kill to have all those things but I'm sure it will never happen.

Everyone says not to stress or worry or "stop" trying but with all the things Ive been  through is it even feasible to carry a child? did the chemo or radiation ruin my whole body? Does God know that I'm unstable?! I have no idea the reason and losing hope month after month. So many try for years and props to them but I'm not that strong. I cant do this to myself, to my husband to the damn doctors for years...hoping Monday when I see my new doctor I get some answers. Either good or bad, I just want to know if its physically possible to have another healthy baby.Luckily I found this amazing group of girls, who live all over (although alot of them are in the south!) who have been a great support system. Most of them have angel babies, have been diagnosed with infertility and yet still exhaust every option to have a family of their own. Its inspiring and does lift my spirits when I'm feeling low. Whether its a text, card, or just a virtual hug. They get it. They live it and are amazing women....thank you to them an all my other fabulous friends who are there to listen to me bitch and whine, to cry or to distract me from myself. I really appreciate it and love each and everyone of you for being fabulous.

Now off to bed, before Jaelynns crazy recital weekend begins! Two more rehearsals followed by two nights of dance... :-)

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