Monday, May 21, 2012

Reflecting on Life Lately

The past couple of weeks Ive been trying to do some soul searching and figure out what it is I want for me and my family. I pretty much have it nailed down but the getting there part is whats killing me. Biking is a great release for me, I dont do it for speed or agility but just a` way to get out and enjoy the air while clearing my mind. Jaelynns in the back riding along but she brings her magna-doodle or something to keep herself busy and I just ride and ride and ride .

I've come to realize life isnt perfect, of course we all know this but I'm finally accepting it! Im not sure why its taken years to figure this out and be okay with it but now that I can accept the things I cannot change I hope it helps me move forward and not stress or worry about things I have no control over. Some say its in Gods hands, its fate or just not meant to be right now but whatever the reason I will just embrace it with open arm, or at least try my hardest to!

I may never get to mother another child, I may never get that chance to actually enjoy being pregnant but I'm a lot luckier than most. I at least had the chance to do all this once and looking back at my first pregnancy I wish I took more time to  enjoy it more. Who knew that 4 years later Id be struggling to get pregnant and carry a live baby to term. I wouldnt have complained about the nausea, exhaustion or swollen feet. I was the type of person I HATE now! I know a lot of people who are expecting and some of them do nothing but complain about every little thing...what I would kill to have they just want to get it over with. I cant judge them for that because thats exactly how I was at 19 when pregnant with Jaelynn. God, I wish someone would have slapped me and told me to shut the hell up and enjoy it more. I wasnt a gracious one and the only part of pregnancy I enjoyed was feeling the baby move. I was nauseous the whole 40 weeks, in the hospital getting IV fluids weekly, zofran 3-5 times a day, a week long stay in hospital to pass eight kidney stones and not once was I grateful for any of it. What a selfish bitch I was!

Talking with a friend last night about the whole situation really opened my eyes to all of this. If I never have any more children will that be okay? Ideally no but of course I will have to be okay with it sooner or later. I have a lot of options left to explore before just completely throwing in the towel but at the same time is it all worth the time, money, stress and worry?! Should I just let it be and let nature take its course naturally? These are the things I struggle with daily when I sit and just think "what if" I obviously cant control my feelings when it comes to this topic but I wish I could just know for sure either way if it will ever happen or if Jaelynn will be an only child. I cant wrap my head around what could be wrong. Is this all because of the cancer? Does my body just hate me now? Im doing all the right things:losing weight, eating better, cut out caffeine and only drink alcohol occasionally. They did one round of tests thus far and all came back normal which is great but then what IS wrong, why is it that no matter how many times I get pregnant they always end with a loss.

I feel resentment, anger and jealousy every time i see a random woman who happens to be pregnant. This bothers me and with so many  friends expecting a baby this summer/fall Im afraid to be near them in case I have these feelings towards them. Its not their fault I cant stay pregnant so why be mad at them? ! It seems like everywhere I turn there are constant reminders of the babies we have lost and of the heartache of ttc month after month. I am anxious all the time about it.This has been the biggest trial for me in every way. So many people don't understand because they have never gone through it or just don't feel the same way about it as some of us do. I am jealous and angry and resentful and bitter and I don't think this is going to change until we have another baby of our own on the way. I am just trying to work through these feelings the best I can to get through each hour, day and month. I have my breakdowns and I let myself cry because holding it all back is just too much to deal with sometimes. I know that there is nothing wrong with feeling upset about not having a sibling for Jaelynn yet because when the time finally does come for us we will appreciate it that much more. It is human nature to feel jealous of others that have something that is such a major part of life when you want it so badly. It upsets me when people think we should just brush things aside and find other things to focus on, that is a perfect example that they don?t understand and have never wanted anything the way we desire to become mothers for the first time or again. My advice to anyone going through this is to set up as much support around you as you can and just take it day by day. Although most people won't understand, I personally feel like my husband is the only one that remotely feels what I feel most of the time. I wish there were more things that were helpful, but the only Thing that will help each of us in the end are things we can?t give each other. But we can support those around us that are going or will go through this and if we talk about it with more people maybe more people will understand a little better. Anyway, sorry this is so long? I hope everyone can have a good day today and not worry about tomorrow too much. That is what I am trying to do? 

I do apologize if I seem distant to those who are expecting a baby, its nothing personal! You all will be great mothers and deserve this as much as anyone else. Dont let my pity party rain on your parade and ENJOY the little moments! They may not seem like much now but someday youll be glad you made the best of morning sickness, sleeping all day and feeling that little miracle move and kick inside of you. 

I guess the world is filled with "what ifs" and theres nothing anyone can do or say to change this. I just need to accept it, move on and be supportive of those I love and care about!


  1. Let go, Let God. I hope many expecting mothers read this, they are sure to appreciate pregnancy much more, after what you said. :) good luck!

  2. I identify with this so much. I had my first daughter very young and then, when I was actually married and ready to have children, it took me years to get pregnant. I resented the old me who took for granted my previous pregnancy and how easy it was for me to get pregnant. I also had a terrible time being around pregnant people and had to give up going to baby showers because I just couldn't do it.
    I hope it happens for you very soon.

  3. I'm so sorry that this has been a difficult journey. Thanks for sharing your story- best of luck moving forward!