To me being a mom means more than just birthing a child, it means being selfless and putting your child first from the time you start trying to conceive to the time you hold that baby in your arms, watch them grow, see them graduate and witness their wedding day...it goes on forever. It means being there for your child no matter what; supporting their every choice whether it be their dreams of being a doctor when they're 5 years old or being a garbage man when they're 23. You love that person more than life itself, you do everything in your power to give them the best life possible and most importantly unconditional love.
I hope when Jaelynn is my age she feels like she had all this and more with me. We all have things as parents we arent the proudest of, and lord knows my list of "failing moments" is expedential but I do the best I can with what I have. We didnt plan to be parents at the age of 19 and explored all my options before committing but at that moment in time I thought, everything happens for a reason, and to this day I still fully believe this. Maybe the time was right to motivate me to do more with my life, not to settle on living paycheck to paycheck and gave me the kick in the pants to learn from those around me and do better. My childhood was far far far from perfect and according to most pretty fucked up but it could have been a lot worse. I took in all that surrounded me and used bits and pieces of my own parents teachings and made them into something I wanted my children to have. Not going to lie most of what I learned is how NOT to be but still learned something.
I cant even put the amount of love and respect I have for her into words, I try but theres not enough ways to express my feelings for this little girl. I always hear people say how much being a parent changed them and the love is just amazing, I was like oh okay sure, till I was lucky enough to experience with Jaelynn Michelle. They are all so right! You put so much work and time into preparing for this little person to come into your life but never fully understand all the greatness that will come with it until you get to experience it first hand. Now that weve been trying for a little brother or sister for a little over a year now I realize how precious life really is. When I was 19 we were just being irresponsible and I wasnt on any birth control when I got pregnant and well after being together 4 years you just forget that "it can only take one time to get pregnant" we were using the proper precautions most of our high school dating time to prevent pregnancy but after I graduated I lost health insurance and was simply too lazy to go to the free clinic to get birth control. Stupid, probably but that stupid mistake has changed my life.
Trying to get pregnant on purpose is much harder than most make it seem. Weve had our ups and downs, excitement with positive pregnancy tests and of course major disappointments with each loss. If I were to look into my future at 19 I would have never guessed that Id be where I am today with what Ive had dealt to me. Who things at 23 years old youd be mom to a (almost) 4 year old, cancer survivor, struggling with infertility and grieving the loss of two babies...NOT ME! This is the kind of sad story you hear about on TV or read about and just feel pity for this poor woman, and for me its a reality. I know so many are so much worse off but I feel like all the chaos of a persons entire lifetime was crammed into a 3 year time span. Thats crazy, just down right insane! I wouldnt be who I am today without any of these things happening so I guess I am grateful, no I really am! Whos goes through all this and survives ahh I should be screaming from the rooftops how proud I am of myself and how far Ive come. I hope Jaelynn heres about this when shes older and understands it all...just want her to know no matter how life treats you, someone always has it worse and there is always light at the end of the tunnel .
For now I just hold on to hope. Hope that Jaelynn turns into a respectable human being, hope that I stay sane through it all, hope that all those who are lucky enough to be parents truly appreciate their gift, hope that all those trying to start their family (no matter the method) get what they deserve in the and and hope to holding another happy and healthy baby that I gave life to.
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