Monday, May 7, 2012

Heavy Heart...

I realize that I share how I feel as a I feel it. Most like it but theres always a few who disagree or disapprove of what I have to say or think I'm speaking out of context.

Perfect example of this happened just last night...I shared a photo about infertility on my page and upset a friend of mine who is not ever able to have children due to her anatomy, we have talked a few times about  this in the past and thats when my eyes were first open to "infertility" I didnt realize that at the age of 19 people would already be aware of things like this, hell I just had Jaelynn and was overwhelmed with being a young mom, but at least I got the chance to be a mom. I want to apologize to anyone I did offend with that but at the same time theres a lot my doctor and I have talked about that will remain between her , Justin and I. Not everyone needs to hear about our family plan and they wont know anything for quite some time. All I know is I will not give up yet!

Just because I have one child who i love, cherish and adore doesnt mean I may not be considered infertile.There are variables of infertility and when I see the RE(doctor) he will tell me what I need to do, change or keep going on with.  Things change, peoples bodies change and the ability to have more healthy babies may or may not be in our future anymore. I see the fertility doctor this summer, and will get more info then. Until I have used all my options, answered all my questions I wont openly discuss this with many people if any at all.

For those who judge me for this, shame on you! You know who you are and its a damn shame. No one will ever know exactly how I feel or how I live until you live my life. I plan to keep spreading my words and how I feel about this whole process and if you dont like it then simply dont read it. How difficult it is to even talk to others about their personal issues Im completely shocked and taken back by a lot of people who I'm friends with or worse yet related to.

I guess in a way Im still grieving so a lot of this pain is from the simple is had I never had miscarriage #1 Id be bringing home a baby in about 5 weeks. This kills me! I was ready to announce to friends and family, just a few days shy of the 12 weeks mark and poof it was gone in a blink of an eye. I have plenty of life ahead of me to make Jaelynn a big sister but she shoulda been one sooner. I feel guilty, responsible for this and just cant move on. I know a lot of people dont understand this, but its not easy. Then I got a second chance at this, GREAT! I was ecstatic and did all the right things. I took my vitamins, cut out alcohol, caffeine and most of fast food. I was going to make sure I gave this baby the best living conditions for the duration of my pregnancy.

A mother is a mother as soon as she has that positive pregnancy test and I will let no one tell me differently.

1 comment:

  1. Amanda keep your head up. You are a great mommy and when the time comes for you to be a mommy to another child you will be great. Somethings need to stay between you and your husband their is no reason for us to have to know. This is your decision and YOUR BODY. I wish you the best of luck on whatever may happen and if you need a shoulder to just cry on I have two great ones for you. I will even wipe the snot off them for you:) Know you are loved by all and anyone who tells you differently are not true friends. Take your time to grieve the loss of any child no matter what stage is still a loss.
    BTW Miracles can happen. I have three to prove it. Dennis was diagnosised at infertile. While we dated we discussed it and we were going to adopt and then poof I was pregnant with Maddy. We thought it was a fluke and even the doctor didnt understand. Dennis even had sperm counts down and they were none swimmers. Go figure life brings you miracles when you are already set on a different path. Just remember to keep your head up and dont let anyone beat you down. Love n hugs