Blah...

I. am. in. a. bitchy. mood.

Guessing its PMS related but im just sick of being angry or sad all the time. There really is no reason for it. I cant move forward, and actually just want to give up trying all together. Its causing me so much stress and I feel that even if I get pregnant the stress of worrying that the baby will make it to a viable stage isnt healthy for me or the non existent child and maybe thats why they keep miscarrying? I have no idea but no matter the reason I think Im done trying.

 I see the doctor in a few weeks and will probably talk birth control options...i hate birth control but i hate trying, so what to do?! Maybe this funk will pass in time but I do have one happy healthy child so why be greedy...so many dont even have one baby and still keep trucking. How do you all keep the strength and focus? Its been a little over a year and I feel like its been a decade. There are friends of mine who have been trying for years and years and still remain hopeful and positive, I lack this big time!!!

My house is filled with baby items from Jaelynn and recent baby buys, but by doing this am I torturing myself? I walk past my hall closet each day and night and wishing, hoping, praying that someday the carseat will carry my child, the bottles will be used to nourish him/her but will it?! Am I holding on to these tangible items to be smart or to guilt myself further that my body and heart fail when it comes to reproducing children.

Ive tried turning to God, regaining faith and I think it helped a bit, but I know I need to let go of my fears and trust that I was meant to live this life because I'm strong enough to...just wish I felt this way...