I should start by saying many of you understand, have been where I am and are totally empathetic to my situation, but with that being said I get a lot of people telling me to "move on" or "just get over it, your time will come" you know what, Its not that easy!!!
Just because I didnt hear the heartbeat, see the little peanut on a screen or feel him/her kick or move does NOT mean they didnt exist! I know its just a group of cells at the point where I miscarried but that "group of cells" was everything to me. As one friend put it, I worked hard for this and took a lot of time, energy, and change of lifestyle to make sure that when I did get pregnant I gave it the best possible home for the next 40 weeks. I cut out caffeine, alcohol, ate healthier and took my vitamins and yet none of that mattered because it still didnt stick. I know that these things just dont happen for the fun of it or because I did something wrong, but I cant help but feel angry over it.
Yesterday it all became real, like really real. I was cramping, worse pain Ive ever endured, worse than labor and I had some issues down south that no one really wants to hear about so I called the OBGYN and she told me to go into the ER and get looked at. I went, I got pain medications and it still didnt help. So as I lay there helplessly crying I ask why me?! Why did this happen? How can I prevent it for next time? Is there any way to get over this and move on. They did pregnancy tests which I thought was dumb, I knew I wasnt pregnant but they had to confirm...after several doses of morphine the ultrasound tech came in. She must not have even gotten the memo that I WAS NOT pregnant, I was having a miscarriage because she insisted on showing the screen to me and I just turned away and sobbed. She asked if I was pregnant more than once and each time I wanted to punch her. I told her the story and she either didnt hear me or tuned me out. As if having a miscarriage isnt bad enough the physical and emotional pain is far worse. Then I'm thinkin, shit, I dont even have health insurance so this is going to cost me and arm and a leg. I know my health comes first but more stress added to the pile...I guess Ill cross that bridge when it comes.
I know alot of you think Im strong, a fighter and survivor...days like this I feel like a failure, loser and whiner. A friend of mine is fighting for her life as she battles breast cancer and never once has she complained or had a pity party, and she had it far worse than me! I didnt do chemo, I didnt have surgery and shes still smiling on and living life to the fullest. This woman inspires me but why cant I be more like that? Im sure my friends/family are sick of hearing me complain and cry but I cant control it. I just want to run and hide....