Monday, April 30, 2012

I Shouldnt Have to Explain...

I should start by saying many of you understand, have been where I am and are totally empathetic to my situation, but with that being said I get a lot of people telling me to "move on" or "just get over it, your time will come" you know what, Its not that easy!!!

Just because I didnt hear the heartbeat, see the little peanut on a screen or feel him/her kick or move does NOT mean they didnt exist! I know its just a group of cells at the point where I miscarried but that "group of cells" was everything to me. As one friend put it, I worked hard for this and took a lot of time, energy, and change of lifestyle to make sure that when I did get pregnant I gave it the best possible home for the next 40 weeks. I cut out caffeine, alcohol, ate healthier and took my vitamins and yet none of that mattered because it still didnt stick. I know that these things just dont happen for the fun of it or because I did something wrong, but I cant help but feel angry over it.

Yesterday it all became real, like really real. I was cramping, worse pain Ive ever endured, worse than labor and I had some issues down south that no one really wants to hear about so I called the OBGYN and she told me to go into the ER and get looked at. I went, I got pain medications and it still didnt help. So as I lay there helplessly crying I ask why me?! Why did this happen? How can I prevent it for next time? Is there any way to get over this and move on. They did pregnancy tests which I thought was dumb, I knew I wasnt pregnant but they had to confirm...after several doses of morphine the ultrasound tech came in. She must not have even gotten the memo that I WAS NOT pregnant, I was having a miscarriage because she insisted on showing the screen to me and I just turned away and sobbed. She asked if I was pregnant more than once and each time I wanted to punch her. I told her the story and she either didnt hear me or tuned me out. As if having a miscarriage isnt bad enough the physical and emotional pain is far worse. Then I'm thinkin, shit, I dont even have health insurance so this is going to cost me and arm and a leg. I know my health comes first but more stress added to the pile...I guess Ill cross that bridge when it comes.

I know alot of you think Im strong, a fighter and survivor...days like this I feel like a failure, loser and whiner. A friend of mine is fighting for her life as she battles breast cancer and never once has she complained or had a pity party, and she had it far worse than me! I didnt do chemo, I didnt have surgery and shes still smiling on and living life to the fullest. This woman inspires me but why cant I be more like that? Im sure my friends/family are sick of hearing me complain and cry but I cant control it. I just want to run and hide....

1 comment:

  1. Hey. Well if you do want to go run and hide anywhere I suggest we bring blankets and pillows and build a fort. I know it sounds silly but on my worst days Phauxe and I make a fort and somehow the world can suck it. I'm here. I'll listen. Your not whining your expression yourself in a health way. Anyone that tells you otherwise can also suck it!

    As for that group of cells... it more then that... it the hope and dreams and everything you pin on Pinterest! Even the smallest seed can grow into the strongest oak tree or beautiful rose garden. It was a start of a dream and you didn't get to hold onto... So keep dreaming girl!