Forgive me if this next post goes all over the place, I have a million things I wanna say and hope I dont forget any of it so it this bounces around (which Im sure it will) just bear with me.
First off I am elated to see all these birth announcements! FOUR this week!!! Something about seeing a new baby, holding them, smelling me...ahh it gives me goosebumps. Creepy sounding but I assure you its all in good spirit. At that moment when I held that 15 hour little boy watching him breathe, suck on his paci and just be at ease. This is what I want (shocking...) In the end the whole point of this journey is to achieve a healthy baby.
Why was I angry that everyone else was pregnant to begin with? Its not their fault my body failed me. Its not their fault I spend far too much money on testing, fertility tests, and now medications. I was jealous, bitter and it was eating me up inside. So much that I would lose sleep over it, avoid my friends (pregnant or not!) and just was in a dark place and wasnt sure how to overcome it. Some told me to pray, some said to just move past it, let fate do what its going to do. I didnt listen and honestly still to some degree just let it roll off me. Im not a person of faith, God or by any means believe in the bible. ounds harsh and I mean no offence to anyone who does believe in these things, but those who do,Great! I'm glad they have something to keep them going. I look for that in everything but cant wrap my head around it. Ive gone to church at various locations and some I liked more than others but still cant get past the fact that they are basing all their sermons off a story in the Bible. I know thats the whole point but I just cant get into it.
Anyways went a bit off target there...I warned you!
Theres a lot of new babies, still a lot more to come in next 6 weeks (or less) and as I was always happy for my friends I wasnt very supportive. I just remained undercover in fear of offending them or making them uncomfortable because its no secret that I can be a royal bitch and I dont want to be the friend that they just avoid talking baby/pregnancy because I could burst into tears or get upset. This happened with complete strangers too! I just avoided all contact...sad!
Now that the doctors assured me that my thyroid is the problem I feel at peace with all of this. Clearly I can get pregnant and now with the new meds (thyroid and Clomid) I WILL have my rainbow baby after all! I guess knowing what was causing it all is comforting. Being a medical mess for a good portion of my life is something I'm used to and can manage, most of the time, but this is something I wasnt ready to give up on yet. I assumed the radiation and chemo had not only killed the cancer but killed my reproductive organs as well . Now that I have SEEN photos, scans, ultrasounds and had an up close look I know that its all okay.
This may seem like common sense, but to me in my twisted mind, it was the most annoying and stressful thing...which is no bueno for baby making anyways! I now have a new attitude and new "plan" and hopeful for the future :) Whatever happens, happens and if for any reason Jaelynn is our only child as much as that would hurt, I will be okay with it. Its a lot more than A LOT of people have! Ive made so many new friends with the TTC (trying to conceive) community so rather than sharing all the nitty gritty on here or my personal facebook page I vent to them. Nothing against anyone else but its easier to talk to those whove been through it or currently fighting with me. Of course I will share any major triumphs with you all but only once I'm 110% ready to.
Thank you all, once again for the love and support!