Grateful, Thankful and Blessed!

Well its been a while since I last wrote, and I know people are sick of hearing people complain about the election, rainy weather and well life. So instead of doing my usual "I hate the world" post I'm going to write 30, yes 30 things I'm grateful for. People all over are doing this but dragging it out all month long. Frankly I wont remember to so going to jam pack it all in one blog post. Keep in mind this will be in no particular order of importance, so before the hate mail gets sent, keep that in mind!

Here goes nothing...

1. My health; yes, my health! Not often I can say that and hell even when I couldnt say that I know there are millions out there worse off. One person comes to mind whenever I say that, they know who they are and I hope that person and their family know I pray for them every single day. This person is diabetic, had transplants and now fighting cancer all while working, and being there for their family
2.  I’m thankful for time…some hate it because it gives you wrinkles, or it goes by too fast, or you may feel like you’re wasting it…some want to travel in it, others want more of it. Right now I’m thankful for the time I’m given. I am even thankful for the time that has lapsed, it’s brought me where I am today. With no regrets. Time is so precious.
3. I’m thankful for my support system. Life can be so hard but you make it a tad bit easier. Not naming names but Ive made friends throughout the years who have been there for me during the hardest times. Thank you all! 
4.  Jaelynn, who has taught me more about life than any book, person or experience. She is the reason I fight, the reason I breathe and have hope. She reminds me time and time again how lucky SHE is to be apart of our family and I think to myself we are the lucky ones :)
5. Justin; for being my rock, my friend and my husband. Through sickness and in health, good times and bad hes been there for me even before we took our vows. Sure it was a bumpy road but what relationship isnt?! We always work things out and he has given me the greatest gift of all, our daughter and angel babies. For that I am forever grateful
6. I'm thankful for the freedoms that we are blessed with in America such as the Right to Vote! :-). Left, Right, Middle or even down right don't care.
7. I am thankful for rainy days and a peaceful breeze.
    
8. A great  book, they let me escape reality and relax
9.  Good drinks! Seriously-best thing to refresh, release and well just have fun
10.  Napping...today I had the best nap and felt so refreshed! I need to do this more often
11.  Dirty dishes-it means we had food to eat
12.  Cuddling...with Jaelynn, Justin, the fur babies, a soft blanket, anything!
13.  Our Veterans. No explanation needed
14.  My amazing job, especially in this economy
15.  Finding money in old coats/purses
16.  Hot showers after a hard day of work to ease away the stress of the day.
17.  Date nights
18. Cancer, well not having cancer  but learning to appreciate life more because of it
19.  To have the chance to get pregnant and learn more about my body, soul and strength despite the fact of bringing one healthy baby home out of 5 pregnancies
20.   Photos, for capturing a moment in time.
21.  The wisdom of my elders. Especially my grandma
22.  Social Networking sites, sure its a pain the ass at times and can create drama but it allows me to reconnect with friends and family and share my life  with those I dont often see
23.  Hand-written letters. I still have every note/letter Justin ever wrote to me. Wish we did that more often...perhaps I will start!
24.  Football season-more importantly the Packers and the chance to see a game next month! (Thanks Gehls!)
25.  Warm fuzzy socks on a chilly day.
26.  Music...theres a song for every mood and every situation
27.  Great team of doctors who keep me in check-I owe an aweful lot to them!
28.  The fine folks at the Women's Center inWaukesha. They helped me more than words can express both in the past and even now.
29.  My TTC ladies-you know who you are and know you are loved. Its nice to vent, rant and get advice from other ladies in similar situations
30.  Life and being able to celebrate another birthday in a few weeks :)

I really need to sit out and do this more often, we all forget how much have even when we think the world is crashing down.

What are YOU thankful for?

Somebody's Always Worse Off!

I wanted to write all my feelings. I have so much emotion, so much fear, anxiety, hope and excitement that I don't know where to start. Nothing has changed. Not for good or for bad so why am I not relieved, or content?! I wish I freaking knew!!!

Today (well technically yesterday seeing as how its almost 1230am) was Papa's birthday. We never really did much to celebrate it when he was here, at least not the last five years he was with us and today was not much different. We HAD plans to finally visit the grave site, eat Reuben Sandwiches and drink Pepsi while we finally get our closure...but of course life happened and between crappy weather and lack of funds for gas we we rent able to go. Part of me thinks it happened this way for a reason-not sure what it is but somethings up! Maybe he didn't want us to come because we still aren't strong enough for it? It has been a year and Justin and I have yet to go out there for a few different reasons but this is the one time we both were ready and almost excited for it. Rather than going out there Jaelynn and I made a cake. Didn't do anything special with it but we acknowledged that it was Papa's birthday cake and oddly enough that seemed to be just fine. Strange how things work out.

As far as everything else goes theres nothing new to report. No news is good news, right!? No doctors poking and prodding, no crazy medications to get pregnant, and overall no major life events that have me insanely stressed. When I talk to others about my day to day life they are surprised with how calm I am these days. Sure life is never ideal or perfect but I'm trying to stay positive about everything. Money's a bit tight, we have no health insurance and my daughter is acting like a completely different kid but I have yet to have a break down over any of this. Its so strange! Few months back or really ANYTIME in the past Id be hyperventilating in the bathroom while trying to appear calm and okay but its just not worth it to me to stress over the petty things. Okay, these aren't"petty" but they could be a lot worse! We are all healthy and alive and today that is enough for me. Somebody is always worse off and I'm making that my new life mantra.

Whenever I go to complain about this or that I find myself stopping and thinking...is this REALLY a problem or a minor inconvenience? More often than not is just an annoyance that too will pass with time. I have NO idea why its taken me this long to appreciate everything, good or bad, but better late than never! I have a lot to be thankful for and its about damn time I show it.

This week is a busy one for us...work, parties, and then back to the good ole days of Teen Time! When I was in school I volunteered with an organization ARCh (Association for the Rights of Citizens with handicaps) and my most favorite thing about all my 5 years there was the monthly get togethers with teens with and without disabilities :) This time around I'm the adult chaperone, still seems surreal but I'm stoked to be helping out! This month is a camp themed get together where we will sing songs by a fire and roast marshmallows. My three favorite things! Next month is cookie baking (again ALL over that one!) and then the ever so famous Bowl A Thon! Seriously this is what I was born to do :)

Till next time folks....

Been So Long...!

Sorry I've been neglecting to the blog lately...life got in the way and I've had a lot going on! Doctors galore, dance class, work and well trying to stay a float!

I thought to myself many a time that I need to write my feelings out but there were a few days where I did nothing by cry and worry which does nothing other than completely exhaust me and stress me out more. I was afraid if I wrote out my exact feelings I'd have friends calling the local mental hospital to have me committed, and to be honest if I were them Id feel the same way!

Let me back track a bit-for those who dont follow me on facebook (or do and somehow missed it) I went in a month or so ago for labs to check to be sure things were all going well. My thyroid level was perfect which is good especially for the baby making in terms of getting pregnant and staying pregnant. Before I did those tests I called my oncologist to see if he could put his orders into the lab too so I could get it all done at once. A few days go by and I get a call from Oncologist to come in ASAP...needless to say I freak the fuck out! Who wouldnt?! My complete blood count (CBC) is "abnormal" so I had a PET scan to see where the cancer was...they were convinced thats what it was just needed to find out where. Luckily the scan was clear and a giant weight was lifted but the doctors werent happy...what was causing all if this?! Few more blood draws, scans and appointments and still no definite answers. All outcomes are less than thrilling....


**I wrote ALL of the above like a month ago, now to carry on but of course NOT where I left off haha**

Biopsy ended up NOT needed, thank goodness! Levels seem to be coming down so I will go in for more labs in a week or so (from now) to be sure its still coming down...whew, dodged a bullet there! So as usual they dont know what caused it or helped it...oh well!

With that being said we are back to trying for baby #2...we took a mini break and I actually sold pretty much all things baby that i bought for future "maybe baby" and it wasnt an easy choice but all the things went to those who will actually use it NOW and not 10 years from now ha ha. It was refreshing, gave me a weight off my shoulders and let me relax more which cant hurt a thing! Even my doctor things that stress is the biggest factor for so many so just living life in the now and enjoying every moment of it.

Today I went to church. Yes, I said church. Those who know me know this is a big deal! Im not by any means an atheist but I guess one would describe me as agnostic. Im open to the idea of a God and willing to learn more and explore to some degree but I just have SO many questions that remain unanswered. Clearly I cannot get those answers  without asking questions so giving church a second chance. Literally the only time I go to any form of church is when someone in my family dies, gets married or baptized...its just how it is for me. As I drove upto the church (which is non-denominational) I felt my chest pounding, the anxiety was kicking in full force, so bad that I sat in the parking lot for a good ten minutes before I could open the door and walk into the building. Totally unnecessary because nobody knew I was a newbie, or if they did they didnt care.  The good news was the building did not go up in flames when I walked in . Obviously I dont think tht would have happened but no joke the last time I was in a church one of light fixtures fell and hit me...then another time I picked up a bible and got like 3 paper cuts-dont ask me how! Anyways it wasnt bad, I felt like the message was being spoken directly towards me and without getting into to it too much just know I plan to go back weekly. Cant hurt!

Other than that not much else new here. We did our family photos today at a local park with all the pretty fall leaves and colors so I'm anxiously awaiting for those...granted it may be a week or so but I am pretty excited!

Thanks for all the love, support, advice and dealing with my crazy self. I will finally post this! yaya!

I Swear I'm not ALL Dark and Twisty

I was talking with a friend the other day about how if someone outta the blue found and read my blog posts they would think I'm one depressed individual who should probably invest in some therapy, rather than fertility treatments and get some serious help. Truth is this IS my therapy and its a hell of a lot cheaper. Usually when I write I'm feeling dark, sad or lonely so instead of being self destructive taking it out on those I care about or just simply shutting down I write and I feel better. I guess all it takes is saying how I feel even if no one else would see it helps me. I know for a fact from other readers sharing my stories has helped them cope with their own drama or stress in their life and that folks is why I share  it with the world wide web. Dont like it? Dont read it!!

I do have more good days than bad but when I have a not so great day it hits me harder. Maybe its the weather, the clomid or just my brain. No matter the reason I cant control it and in the past (when I was a teen) I did try medicating myself to help but it did nothing for me other than make me feel numb which to me was worse off than when I started them. I was on meds until I was pregnant with Jaelynn and decided to just go off cold turkey and I was fine..well as fine as one can be while dealing with my life. Sure its been a roller coaster but there is always somebody worse off.

I just wanted to clarify that I'm not a crazy loon, who is always mad, sad or feeling lost. I swear the good overrides the bad :) I'm so thankful for all those that have stuck it through with me, they know who they are! Some have been there for years and years and some just recently through the TTC community. Its nice talking to those who get where I'm coming from and know just what to say to make me smile, laugh or forget about the days troubles.

Now for a little update: Not much new to report on! Just had my thryroid levels rechecked to be sure I'm on right dosage of medication and still working on Baby #2. No I new plans in store, and if this cycle didnt work out I still have four more months I can do the clomid. Past clomid Ive decided, as of now, I wont take any further steps with medications or doctors to make a baby. Ive seen how its affected relationships, bank accounts and still have people with an empty cradle. I am beyond blessed to have a  healthy child so if thats all that I'm meant to have I will have to learn to accept it.

Tomorrow I go back to my full time job with the boys! I'm a bit excited to start a new school year with more of a preschool feel since all the kids are older and can understand more. So yay  new school year also means my fall TV shows will be back!

Till next time...

What a Week!

This is what happens when I cant sleep, my thoughts eat me up alive and I sit here at 1230am eating a grilled cheese sandwich and think about everything from what I have to do tomorrow to what I'm going to buy Jaelynn for Christmas. Definitely unsure of both.

*Side note:This is quite possibly the most delicious sandwich Ive ever eaten!*

This past week has been a test of my patience to say the least! I did have a few outbursts some legit and some just unnecessary. Nonetheless, I'm glad this week is coming to an end! Jaelynn had spent nights at the hospital, seen her doctor 2 times, Ive seen MY doctor twice and all while trying to inform the world we have exposed them all to pertussis(whooping cough) and although I think most were understanding I had a lot of negative feedback from my so called friends. Accusing me of being a neglective mom who doesnt vaccinate or take child to their doctor, etc, etc. Just to put it out there yet again, I had taken her to her pediatrician five yes FIVE different times. No one thought it was whooping cough and blamed it on allergies. The claritin did help so I assumed they were right. Even when they did the test they didnt think it was positive but treated her with the zpack to be safe...sure enough it was freaking positive. Great. Now not only is my child sick but we've been to several birthday parties, a few baby showers and every public place in Waukesha and Milwaukee County.

Anyways she is no longer contagious, but may still have the cough for upto 8 more weeks...people will just have to deal! I am by no means a people pleaser but at the same time I hate drama! I had no control over the matter and sadly lost a few close friends over it. Clearly they werent true friends if they're going to let something like this be the end of it, but I think in the end its for the better for me and my daughter. My life will not change drastically over a few less people who want nothing more than to cause drama.

Aside from that "excitement" not a whole lot is new! Finished the clomid and supposed to go get my thyroid levels checked next week...may wait another week because amidst all this I havent been remembering to take my meds, so the tests wont be too accurate. That reminds me, I should probably call the doctor to let her know I'll be in later....

I'm excited to be teaming up withe the Bissing Family and AL's Run and Walk for Childrens Hospital to help honor Owen Bissing who had passed away at six months old while also giving back to Childrens Hospital of Wisconsin (CHW). Theres still a few days to get registered, for those interested :)

Obviously millions of kids are served each year at CHW and they never turn anyone away-no matter how minor or severe or their ability to pay. I've been on their receiving end countless times growing up and now as a mother and having my own child serviced there. Without CHW I would simply not be here, not be a live and for all that they did for me I am forever grateful. Sure I dont remember every little detail about my health issues, surgeries or appointments but what I do remember is how much fun I had there. One year I was there from Halloween to Christmas and to be honest I didnt even care! I didnt feel like I missed out on trick or treating or opening gifts with my family. Instead the fine folks of CHW had so many tricks up their sleeves to make it the funnest place on the planet. For Halloween we trick or treated throughout the hospital visiting nurses stations and other units, for my 5th birthday I got a cake,balloons and a visit from Tweety Bird and Sylvester(along with my Thanksgiving dinner), and for Christmas Harley-Davidson must have had a toy drive and made sure all of us kids in the hospital had an amazing Christmas! Most of my doctors I still see to this day because I was part of a medical trial and they keep tabs on me....man little did they know how much "fun" it would be following me from 2 years old to 23 years old! I sure gave them a lot to work with ;-) Point is as much as it sucks having countless surgeries, being in the hospital and not able to play outside like a normal kid they made it all fun. I have NO bad memories of that place and I know there are far many more kids who were and are way worse off than me and thanks to CHW they will have a fighting chance while still getting to be a kid who laughs and plays.

I hope my midnight ramblings didnt scare you all off...I told you I cant shut my brain off!

Crazy on Clomid

So as many of you know I've been taking clomid to help with trying to conceive (TTC) Doctor thinks its helping but clearly I'm not pregnant yet so we shall wait and see! They also said that my hypo thyroid is more than likely the cause of well everything! I have so many internal issues that I didnt share with the world...shocking, I know, but the great news is the meds are doing what they should :)

This is my second cycle on the clomid, you take it for 5 days and its VERY time specific, way too complicated to type out but if you REALLY wanna know just ask ;) Last cycle they had me on 50mg. The lowest dose. I felt awful! Nauseated, horrid headaches, light sensitive and oy vey I could go on and on. I wast sure if Id do this again. I was short tempered, moody and cried way more than I wanted to. Try not to complain, because this is something I choose to do to myself but damn, it was no fun!

When I went to doctor this month and after viewing my temperature charts (used to help figure out when you'll ovulate) she decided I should up the dose. She did say I did ovulate but my cycle wasnt how she wanted it to be. My jaw just dropped. If I was that miserable on 50mg, how would I be on 100mg?!?  I was scared, warned Justin and everyone via Facebook that I could potentially be a royal B@!*h this week or even month! Not sure how long it stays in the system...I should look into that!

Anyways, today was last dose of the clomid (for this cycle) and all in all it went much better than expected! Today seems to be the most emotional day for me, but only one outburst at the US Cellular Tech guy. I was pissed though!!!

<<Insert long story here>>
I had just gotten my new phone, had it for three days and dropped it once and the whole screen shattered! When I took it in he told me to file an insurance claim (which costs $100) and they could get me a new phone. I lost it, burst into tears and just sobbed. He said well your luck is turning around because my phone plan covers FREE phone replacement. Instead of being grateful I went into a public, yes VERY public rant about my "luck". Started with showing him my hair and explaining that two weeks ago a lighter pretty much exploded in my hand and caught my freaking head on fire, then I told him how "lucky" I was to get an oil change and need two new tires and spend an extra $150 on that, how "lucky" I am to have multiple miscarriages (yes I went there!) and of course it wouldnt be a complete nuisance until I played the cancer card. I am pathetic.Period. These added hormones really got to me this day! Not sure why I lashed at him, it wasnt his fault at all! I did go back to return the loaner phone and I heard one of his coworkers mumble "Thats the Crazy one" I kinda just smiled, and pretended not to  hear. I couldnt possibly make an ass of myself twice in the same store! They clearly remembered me haha

Aside from my temper tantrum, This cycle Ive felt the calmest Ive felt in MONTHS. Its been a hell of a few years but I can finally breathe and relax. I know my life plan may not be the same as fates but I am taking it day by day and week by week. Trying to not look into the future too hard but live in the moment. Life is such a crazy ride but that ride could be over at any given moment.

I hope by the end of the TTC Train I still have friends to turn to when I'm a raging pregnant lady ;) No seriously though, I fear that my craziness will push you all away and I'm trying my very hardest to not lash out on you...I'll save it for innocent strangers :)

No More Anger

Forgive me if this next post goes all over the place, I have a million things I wanna say and hope I dont forget any of it so it this bounces around (which Im sure it will) just bear with me.

First off I am elated to see all these birth announcements! FOUR this week!!! Something about seeing a new baby, holding them, smelling me...ahh it gives me goosebumps. Creepy sounding but I assure you its all in good spirit. At that moment when I held that 15 hour little boy watching him breathe, suck on his paci and just be at ease.  This is what I want (shocking...) In the end the whole point of this journey is to achieve a healthy baby.

Why was I angry that everyone else was pregnant to begin with? Its not their fault my body failed me. Its not their fault I spend far too much money on testing, fertility tests, and now medications. I was jealous, bitter and it was eating me up inside. So much that I would lose sleep over it, avoid my friends (pregnant or not!) and just was in a dark place and wasnt sure how to overcome it. Some told me to pray, some said to just move past it, let fate do what its going to do. I didnt listen and honestly still to some degree just let it roll off me. Im not a person of faith, God or by any means believe in the bible. ounds harsh and I mean no offence to anyone who does believe in these things, but those who do,Great! I'm glad they have something to keep them going. I look for that in everything but cant wrap my head around it. Ive gone to church at various locations and some I liked more than others but still cant get past the fact that they are basing all their sermons off a story in the Bible. I know thats the whole point but I just cant get into it.

Anyways went a bit off target there...I warned you!

Theres a lot of new babies, still a lot more to come in next 6 weeks (or less) and as I was always happy for my friends I wasnt very supportive. I just remained undercover in fear of offending them or making them uncomfortable because its no secret that I can be a royal bitch and I dont want to be the friend that they just avoid talking baby/pregnancy because I could burst into tears or get upset. This happened with complete strangers too! I just avoided all contact...sad!

Now that the doctors assured me that my thyroid is the problem I feel at peace with all of this. Clearly I can get pregnant and now with the new meds (thyroid and Clomid) I WILL have my rainbow baby after all! I guess knowing what was causing it all is comforting. Being a medical mess for a good portion of my life is something I'm used to and can manage, most of the time, but this is something I wasnt ready to give up on yet. I assumed the radiation and chemo had not only killed the cancer but killed my reproductive organs as well . Now that I have SEEN photos, scans, ultrasounds and had an up close look I know that its all okay.

This may seem like common sense, but to me in my twisted mind, it was the most annoying and stressful thing...which is no bueno for baby making anyways! I now have a new attitude and new "plan" and hopeful for the future :) Whatever happens, happens and if for any reason Jaelynn is our only child as much as that would hurt, I will be okay with it. Its a lot more than A LOT of people have! Ive made so many new friends with the TTC (trying to conceive) community so rather than sharing all the nitty gritty on here or my personal facebook page I vent to them. Nothing against anyone else but its easier to talk to those whove been through it or currently fighting with me. Of course I will share any major triumphs with you all but only once I'm 110% ready to.

Thank you all, once again for the love and support!